How We Love, coauthored by Milan & Kay Yerkovich, is a book that doesn't talk about gender differences, how men and women are different in relationship, but about life styles and the ways those styles directly relate to "how we love." They summarize many studies of the Attachment Theory into six styles of relating and loving, the Secure Connector, the Avoider, the Pleaser, the Vacillator, and the Chaotic love style which is broken into two - the Controller and the Victim.
Given each of these love styles, Milan (a Pleaser) and Kay (an Avoider) expand on case studies from their own counseling office experiences including an in depth look into their own marriage, and explains how these imprints are taken from, "our first lessons in love" (p. 25, How We Love) as children. Believe it or not, it is incredibly common for a Vascillator to marry an Avoider, a Pleaser to marry a Vascillator, a Controller to marry a Victim, and for an Avoider to marry a Pleaser. Too often couples struggle and don't even realize that they are doing the same "dance" that many couples across the world are doing.
The best and most giving aspect of How We Love is their proven methods to break the "all too familiar" cycles and to love your spouse in a deeper more loving way than what one ever thought was possible. Milan and Kay have developed techniques for deeper communicating, for slowing down when a situation gets out of control, and so much more. In addition, this book comes with an entire workbook at the end which will further navigate your marriage and/or relationships down the path of success. A couple of my favorite sentences from the book read as follows,
"As you learn to listen and engage more fully with each other, you'll be entering into all the life experience of your spouse - the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the inspiring and the routine, the admirable and the mediocre, the happiness and the pain. Remember, deepening in your bond means embracing the whole person."
This is followed shortly with,
" Love consists in seeing into the very center of the twistedness and sin and self-love that are in the heart of another person, and yet not being repelled; holding onto the grace by which we ourselves are loved and finding in it the strength to descend with another into their darkest place. If we love other people for their saintliness, then we do not love at all. Love is wasted on saints. It is meant for the sinner." (p. 283)
We hear all too often about couples "growing apart" or "changing," etc. and the result is divorced relationships, be it a marriage or friendship. There is such a concept of growing together, not apart. How many relationships could be saved if we learn to communicate our deepest of feelings and if we learn to accept the deepest feelings of others. I know that "feelings" is a HUGE task for some, but the truth is that "feelings" are everywhere, and they deserve your attention in order to make relationships work. And an even more tangible truth is that "feelings" are the very first experience we have as human beings - as children do not know how to relate with words, but with "feelings."
As for myself, I am on a journey to love my husband for who he is and to love myself for who I am. We have the classic "Avoider marries the Vascillator," but who says we have to do the same ol' dance?! We want to learn how to truly love and how to truly love deeply. Change never comes easy, but endurance will overcome!
I want to hear your thoughts on this book if you have read it. Has it changed your relationship?
Thank you for the opportunity to chime in.
ReplyDeleteI purchased this book at a thrift store thinking "I" could benefit from some of the contents. The book sat on the end table for about a week, and I observed Ken was very interested in my find.One evening he said, "lets read this honey."
He continued, " I want to see how I love, how you love. Maybe it can help us."
Boom. I never thought a book (beside the Bible) could be so profound!!! It brought on tears for us both.
Fast forward to last night (1/24/13):
Ken was reading it alone last night, I had to take a break because the deep emotional pain is too much for me to process without professional help. Anyway, He stopped reading for a minute to reference a point in the book (Avoiders and Pleasers together section)and looked at me and told me I am smothering him. My response was horrible. I went into one of my patterns of rage and resentment, once again...that book ended up being tossed across the room. I am looking at the jacket to the book sitting on the floor right now, as I write this. The book, however, is gone. He must of taken it to work to continue read by himself.
I supposed my point in writing this is to warn folks that this is an extremely powerful book, and to read it with some kind of back-up support. I did a search for the workbook, and it is just way too expensive, and now we are left hanging, with very little tools to heal the wounds. Scary!!!!
Best,
C